Utility.

I would like to open the realm of possibilities this evening. For me to find someone that is a perfect mesh of everything that I could ever imagine is an impossibility- certainly. Not because the chances of me meeting this individual are slim, but because for there to be a situation in which this person existed, I would be on a different plan of existence, so to speak. I'm making no sense. In order for someone that matches my every desire to happen upon me at any point in my life is impossible because there can never be anyone like that on this mortal plain. I am presented with an unlimited, evolving, constantly changing realm of desire that I could never possibly tame. I am grateful for it. At the same time, it makes it much more difficult to please me. However, I do have staples. I have things that I consider more important, and there are things that I can easily overlook. I would never be happy with anyone's company otherwise. While this makes me sound incredibly demanding, I'm sure it also makes me sound incredibly difficult as well. I'm afraid that is the truth. Honestly, however, which one of us can not afford to be either demanding or difficult? If we never know what we want, and we never went to take it then we would all be too cowardly to be as innovative as we are. Especially in situations such as ours where capitalism is king. I fear for the children who will have to suffer through their peers, friends and rivals wants as well as their own. I already fear for the sake of my own generation. I've gotten a bit off track.


I am opening the realm of possibilities right now. What if I were blessed with the impossible feature of being able to achieve the list of goals that I had demanded from my company. What if the ever changing, ever evolving list of wants was constantly satisfied? Would I be less pretentious? Would I dislike not being as pretentious as I needed to be in the past? With all of my desires met, I lose my drive to compete, explore and adventure. I would take no risks because there would be nothing to be sought after in taking a risk. I would love only what it was that I knew I could love, and I would never explore the realm of possibilities that I've recently opened. I don't often think of things this morbid, but the truth is, I want to reveal just how morbid this thought is. One could easily say that they would be please with constantly receiving whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, but it's not as great as it's cracked up to be. It never will be. There will always be desire, and as long as it is attained for you, you will lose your grasp on what it is to actually live. I want to make sure that I  suffer, and face hardship from time to time. I need reminders of what it is that it takes for me to do what I want. It wakes me up from this frozen reality that utility induces. There is no escape from that hell, and once you've gone, it has been of your own volition. The realm of possibilities is where we can imagine this awful place. A place where time stops and only clocks exist. There are no days to live to their fullest because there is no need to live. 


I've lost track again, but I think I might have reached my point some where within my rambling. Eventually we reach a brick wall when it comes to our own utility. We know that there are people who will give whatever it takes to maintain that, and we know people that have thrown away their lives in order to escape any possibility of utility clouding their judgement. I want to find that middle ground, and make sure that I stay there, so that I don't need to grow blind with my own conviction. 


Anywho- Good night.


I have a surprise set up for Wednesday, so I'll be skipping tomorrow's post.