To NYC

It's dark. The lights that hang above each head in a dim lit, teasing sort of fashion, are at invariable levels of brightness. It's almost as if some of us have been blessed a bit more than others. The man in front of me, and the woman to my right both appear to have saved themselves seats in order to lay down, or do work- or a combination of both. The woman who I happened to sit next to is asleep- and our light appears to be the most dim. The cramped space makes it hard for my to type this- but I think it's kind of fun in a Kerouac sort of way.

I'm in a combination of writing and texting- as the bumps in the road, and spacial limitations, make it pretty difficult to focus. My friend just sent a WhatsApp message informing myself and a few other friends that he was recently married. Not engaged, that would make more sense at our age; ring-wearing, broom jumping, 401k affecting, Kim Kardashian, married.

It's funny, because at the same time I'm sending a few flirty iPhone messages to a girl that I went on a date with a few days before. It's a surreal experience. I'm not sure what to think of it all- but it's definitely taking something out of me. As I think about this girl, and how we literally met a few days before, and that this guy is getting married to a woman that none of us have ever met- it's like the world is shifting on its head.

It hasn't always been this way. I used to be the guy in the very serious, very committed relationship. If anyone would have guessed, it would have been me to send the engagement announcement to my friends. I would be the one giving my friends dating advice, and telling them about the 'days when I was single. It's not like I've never had a friend to be married, either. This just seems a bit too close to home, for some reason- and it's sort of bittersweet.

If you're a real Kanye fan, you might have heard the song Bittersweet Poetry, featuring John Mayer. A portion of the hook is as follows:
See what I want so much should never hurt so bad
Never did this before, that's what the virgin says
We've been generally warned, that's what the surgeon says
God talk to me now, this is an emergency.

I was first introduced to the song by my senior summer sweetheart (we all had one). I thought the lyrics were perfect at the time, and it's almost uncanny how perfect they are now, for completely different reasons.

While my ex-girlfriend probably meant to tell me something much more micro- now I'm looking a the lyrics in a very macro scale. The lyrics aren't about anyone in particular- they're about this whole process. Meeting to dating, dating to sex, sex to commitment, commitment to engagement, engagement to marriage and whatever the fuck happens when you get married. Half the time, these people are strangers. You had no stake in their upbringing, and have no idea how fucking insane they can, and probably will, be.

I love the idea of being with a partner through thick and thin- someone who will have your back for the end of time. Maybe I just like the idea of John Snow and that hot red-headed girl keeps insulting me to prove how down she is to ride. Then again, maybe I don't really like the idea of being John Snow, and having that hot red-headed girl keep insulting me to prove how down she is to ride. It's a nice notion, but might just be too much for me to deal with.

I think what makes this moment so bittersweet is that I'm sort of in a crux between realizing I sound like a walking vulva who can't deal with the idea of love- or I'm a super realist who just doesn't want to deal with the debilitating and depressing effects relationships will ultimately have on our generation. Love is more of a Godard movie than an Ephron, and that makes me happy.

It's not easy- it's fun and quirky, and a challenge, and I love that it's that way. It's something that we have to overcome one way or another- but as long as we exist we will have the desire to want- and as long as I exist, I will embrace it.


P.S. It was later revealed to be a joke. Crisis averted.